(Printable) Jokebook entries received
Q: Why is it tradititional for a bride to wear white?
A: That's the colour of most domestic appliances.
When I come to the end of my life, and it is time for me to pass away, I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like Great-uncle Henry; and not screaming like his passengers.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?
A: Depends how thin you slice 'em.
Entry from jillbrooks71@hotmail.co.uk:-
Q:What happens when songwriters die?
A: They decompose!
Entry from e.m.mckay@staffs.ac.uk :-
Two solicitors came to a sticky end and were
slowly making their way up to Heaven
On their way up the great staircase that leads to
the Pearly Gates one turned to the other and said
"Look Piers, I don't care how rare it is for a
Solicitor to make it up here, if there are any
Barristers in there I'm not going in, Especially
silks, I'm sick of them all".
"Agreed Tarquin" replied the other, "I'm with you
all the way on that, I'd rather suffer an eternity
in hell than talk to another QC"
And so it was that they reached the gate, and
with much eyebrow raising from the heavenly host
they were judged worthy to enter.
"One Moment St Peter" said Piers as the gates swung
wide "just one thing - we're sick of Barristers
are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal is off"
"Certainly not" cried St Peter. Thus reassured the
two pressed on. They were finding heaven very
enjoyable until all of a sudden an ancient looking
chap with a long beard, wearing a barristers gown
and wig pushed past them, a bundle of papers under
one arm and a battered copy of the Weekly Law Reports
under the other. Enfuriated they stormed back to
St Peter "Oi St Peter" cried Piers already
drafting his pleadings in his head "You said that
there were no barristers in here"
"There aren't" stammered St Peter
"Well who is the silk with the long white beard
then" demanded the outraged lawyer
"Oh" said St Peter realisation dawning "Thats not
a Barrister! That's God, he just thinks he's a
barrister..."
Entry from lou@mason-davis.com
Q: When driving, why do attorneys stop for snakes?
A: Professional courtesy!
OR
Q: If an attorney falls overboard, why will sharks not attack him?
A: Same reason!
OR
A blonde and a brunette were walking down the street and stopped in front of the flower shop. They saw the brunette's boyfriend inside buying flowers. "Oh no!,says the brunette."Not flowers again!" "That seems like a nice thing to do. I don't see why you are so upset."says the blonde. "Because I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs up in the air", says the brunette. The blonde replies, "Don't you have a vase?"
Entry from dougatbroch@email.msn.com
These are taken from real resumes and were printed in the July 21, 1997
issue of Fortune Magazine:
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21."Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of
a 'definitely won't be.'"
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."
6. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young man has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or OERs
(Officer Efficiency Reports):
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 1 + hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Entry from : Derek.Noble@hcs.uhi.ac.uk
The McRaes had all been ministers of the church
going back three generations. Young Iain decided to become a lawyer.
Every Christmas the third generation MacRaes would meet at their
father's manse to celebrate.On Christmas morning young Ewan came down
for breakfast and while he waited for the porridge to arrive he warmed himself
by the fire sending clouds of steam to the ceiling as it was an old , damp house.
"How are you this morning, Ewan?" "Very happy Father, Last night I dreamt I was in Heaven"
"What was it like ?" , asked the old man."lovely father, it was just like home.
Each man of the cloth in turn came downstairs and warmed themselves by the fire, each had dreamt of Heaven and it had been exactly like home.
Iain the Lawyer came in and shivered by the table of the draughty old manse kitchen."Well Iain!" said his father, "did you have a dream last night". He was expecting an agreeable answer.
"Yes ,Father, I dreamt I was in Hell". "Oh Dear!" said the old minister, "What was it like?"
"Well", said Iain, "it was just like home! You couldn't get near the fire for Ministers!"
Entry from dougatbroch@email.msn.com
WIFE 1.0 SOFTWARE ALERT!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the
product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!!!!!!
Thanks, A Troubled User.
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by it's creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow
this. Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support."
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs). " You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF?s are cyclical.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Remember the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.
>
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
WARNING!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Entry from Stephanie.Brown11@btinternet.co.uk
A law firm was in the process of hiring a junior lawyer. Three were shortlisted to be interviewed.
The Partner in the firm who was interviewing the prospective candidates had deformed ears. He asked the same question to the three young lawyers "What do you notice about my appearance?"
The first replied "Your right ear is higher than your left."
The second replied "Your left ear is lower than your right."
The third answered "You wear contact lenses."
"Very good," said the Partner, "How did you notice?"
The young lawyer replied "Well there's no way you'd get a pair of glasses to sit on those ears!"
Entry from : kevin.ramsay@ros.gov.uk
A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looks somewhat upset. "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "How do you start a flood?"
Entry from debswhyte@aol.com
A lawyer was having it away with his secretary.On doing the dirty at a swanky hotel he asked her to go outside and rub his shoes on the grass.She did this without question.When he got home late his suspiciuos wife asked where he had been.Ive only been making love to my gorgeous secretary all afternoon.Take off your shoes she said.On seeing his grass stained shoes she replied You lying sod youve been playing golf all afternoon.....